Gender dysphoria treatment

A friend of a friend of mine is currently being refused medical treatment on the NHS for a debilitating condition which seriously threatens her health, in one of the most vicious, idiotic and arbitrary Catch-22 policies I have ever had the horror to encounter.

She has created a petition to attempt to get the government to recognise the inhumane treatment to which she is being subjected, and to compel the Primary Care Trust in question to bring its policies in line with the rest of this (apparently 'civilised') country.

If you are a UK citizen or resident please consider signing the petition here: http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/gdoxpct/

Please also propagate this link. A minimum of 200 signatures are necessary for the petition to be considered.


A clarification of the Catch-22 in question, from sebastienne:

"To further explain the Catch-22:

Gender reassignment, in the UK, is mediated through specialist clinics. For the south of England, the specialist clinc is at Charing Cross Hospital in London. In order for Charing Cross to put you forward for surgery, you have to demonstrate that you are functioning day-to-day, living in your target gender.

In order to get funding out of Oxfordshire PCT, you have to demonstrate "extreme need" - and pretty much the only way to do this is to be so depressed as to be at risk of suicide. A state of mental health which then makes you ineligible for treatment by Charing Cross.

Oxfordshire PCT will only fund your gender reassignment when your condition, through non-treatment, has made you too ill to undergo surgery."

And a link to the full report referenced in the petition explanation, which gives some history as well as details of exactly what Oxfordshire PCT are doing wrong, and how they're doing it: PDF Article by Outen et al.

One Camel Has Fallen Behind

I'm a little overwhelmed with academic work at the moment so not reading as much here as I'd like.

Why did I think it would be a good idea to start a new blog in the last few months of a performance degree? Was this really a good time to start a new project? But oh, yes, I think it was the right thing to do, even if it doesn't seem sensible and even if I can't keep up as I'd like to, because you all remind me of the interconnectedness of the world in a way that I didn't expect.

I don't have much to say today.

Yesterday during one of many procrastination breaks I was looking for churches in an area of London I'm looking at moving to. Even a few months ago I wouldn't have been thinking about. Yesterday I found out that Forward in Faith have a website (I'm not linking to them) and a list of their churches. How kind of them to provide such a tool, so that I know in advance which churches and clergy to avoid! Though maybe as Margaret said a week or so ago there is something to be said for going and converting the unbelievers I find there... but I have so many questions, so many confusions, and I think I will do better at first to associate with more open-minded folk. I do struggle with how to include those who are not themselves inclusive. I think I need to engage with that more. But I also need somewhere relatively safe as a starting point, and some of my history and some aspects of who I am may challenge even more liberal congregations. [EDITED TO ADD]: I'm hoping it's not until summer that I'll be moving, when things will be a bit less hectic. But finding the right community is still very important.[END OF EDIT]

Though I had only just started following his Twitter updates and website I'm saddened by the loss suffered by Bosco Peters and his family at the death of Catherine. Again with the interconnectedness.

Have a poem, also about that interconnectedness:

I have come into this world to see this:
the sword drop from men's hands even at the height
of their arc of anger
because we have finally realized there is just one flesh to wound
and it is His - the Christ's, our
Beloved's.

I have come into this world to see this: all creatures hold hands as
we pass through this miraculous existence we share on the way
to even a greater being of soul,
a being of just ecstatic light, forever entwined and at play
with Him.

I have come into this world to hear this:
every song the earth has sung since it was conceived in
the Divine's womb and began spinning from
His wish,

every song by wing and fin and hoof,
every song by hill and field and tree and woman and child,
every song of stream and rock,

every song of tool and lyre and flute,
every song of gold and emerald
and fire,

every song the heart should cry with magnificent dignity
to know itself as
God:
for all other knowledge will leave us again in want and aching -
only imbibing the glorious Sun
will complete us.

I have come into this world to experience this:
men so true to love
they would rather die before speaking
an unkind
word,
men so true their lives are His covenant -
the promise of
hope.

I have come into this world to see this:
the sword drop from men's hands
even at the height of
their arc of
rage
because we have finally realized
there is just one flesh
we can wound.

-Hafiz

Love your neighbour. Love your enemy.

The world is a diverse place. There are a lot of people in it who interpret life differently than I do, and a fair few who seem to share some of my interpretations.

As long as we're sitting around our nice cozy metaphorical fireplace, talking about theoretical situations, that's all well and good. It's easy to accept, "Well, I would do differently," or "I think this is right/wrong/crazy," and pour another whisky or make another round of hot chocolate.

The world we live in, though, isn't so comfortable. We are compelled to act in the world, to make decisions about what we should do or not do--and even choosing not to act is a decision about action.

I believe in God and I love God. I try to reflect that belief and that love in my actions. I also try, though my beliefs are less secure in this area, to act as though God is loving and merciful. I am certain that I fall short most of the time. To err is human.

I do not believe I have any special claim to knowledge of God's will, for myself or for other people. I try not to judge or condemn those with whom I disagree. But if I can make errors in discerning right action, so can anyone else. I think that by discussing divergent viewpoints with compassion and an open heart, we can all get a little nearer to knowing what is the right action, get a little nearer to making this world a reflection of God's will.

I believe compassion and tolerance are integral to this process. Love has to be part of the discussion; love has to be what drives our actions.

I see so many examples of fear. Those links are all to people who I believe are trying to act with grace, people who are lovingly questioning the way things are and looking for how we can do better, and they're all discussing things that have gone wrong in the world, things that I think come from fear.

A theme that keeps coming up, again and again in these conflicts and countless others, is how and indeed whether to engage with those we could consider our enemies.

I am a teacher; my instinct, when I see someone in confusion or someone who is engaged in self-deception, is to try to clarify the truth. The greater the confusion and self-deception, the more horrific the wrong committed, the more I want to take that person aside to somewhere quiet and safe and talk to them, and listen to them. I want to try to understand how they got where they are, and either adjust my own attitudes accordingly (referring, always, back to God's love and mercy as my yardstick of right and wrong) or help them to see things in a less painful, less harmful way. If people had not done this for me, countless times, I would not be where I am today.

So, what to do? A church I am not a part of excommunicates someone who made a faithful and compassionate decision that happens to go against the doctrine of that church. As far as I can tell the decision for excommunication is either very misguided on a personal level, or a symptom of a much deeper systemic confusion between the function of the church as an agent of God's mercy and as an agent of God's judgment. Those are some pretty deep-seated fear and control issues. Do I imagine that I can get through to someone like Archbishop Jose Cardoso Sobrinho? No. Do I imagine that others haven't tried? No. Do I imagine that the Archbishop has not given this some thought and prayer himself, and simply come to a much different conclusion? No. Does that absolve me from a responsibility to respond, somehow, to this issue? Absolutely not. So I read about it, and I ask questions. Further discussion online would amount to feeding the trolls. I pray about it, and hope that the log in my own eye is smaller than the speck I see in someone else's. I consider whether I might write to the Archbishop, but he'll have thousands of similar letters from people far more qualified than I am. I remind myself that some of my regular charitable donation goes toward an organisation that, among other things, supports young women who flee their families because of a similar sort of religion-backed misogyny, that of female circumcision. I hope that I am supportive of the women in my life and a good role model for the girls. I try to get back to my 'regularly scheduled programming' of living my life (learning, teaching and creating: truly a blessed existence) as best I can and not thinking too hard about the great weight of fear and hate in this world... I can only do so much.

It doesn't feel like enough.

I have had so much help from so many people, religious or not, people who loved enough to take a risk on me and try to help even though odds were it wouldn't do much good. These people didn't give up on me, they didn't cross to the other side of the road. They took responsibility, whether they knew it or not, for representing God in the world.

How can I, in any sort of faithful good conscience, walk away from situations that cause so much pain? I do it every time I don't have spare change and a kind word for the homeless, every time I walk away from a discussion--even with trolls--about compassion and mercy, every time I decide I don't have the strength or money or endurance for one thing and another thing and choose the thing that I enjoy or do better rather than the thing that is going to do more good in the world, every time I just don't even do the research to find out which is going to do more good in the world.

Is there ever an excuse for anything less than tireless acts of lovingkindness, complete self-sacrifice to improving the world through caring for others? It seems impossible, unreachable. No wonder so many people lose their way.

Lord, help me to do better, and forgive me when I fail.

Well, I went to bed in the end and got some sleep, and finished the assignment today. All done and dusted now and I can jump to the next hamster wheel for a while. I had vague plans for Saturday but I am cancelling them in favour of sleep. Maybe common sense is the thing that is stronger than exhaustion.

I am very much looking forward to being finished this course of study.

No rest for the wicked

I really was very tired last night. Today was not restful.

As is typical of music students in their final year of studies, I am somewhat overcommitted at the moment. My teaching schedule is light at about nine hours per week but the associated travel is somewhat tiring. I have been spending quite a lot of time on my academic work of late, often fifty or sixty hours per week, but this has not been enough to prevent me getting to the uncomfortably familiar place I now inhabit: that of having an assignment due tomorrow, with at least four hours (and probably closer to eight or twelve, if I'm honest) of solid work ahead of me, when my body is absolutely crying out for sleep; this is way beyond the point where caffeine is useful. I have some other things I need to do tonight as well, and I can only wiggle out of some of them. Tomorrow is going to be long, Friday is very full, and next week (which had looked relatively clear) is taking form with a rather punishing schedule. I'm not as young as I was (though that would be a good trick, eh?) and I do have some medical problems; I am already paying, with physical pain, for the wonky work:rest ratio of the past few weeks. And of course that makes it harder to concentrate and get the work done, and here I am writing about it here instead of, er, getting the work done.

Yesterday I found out, yet again, that love is stronger than fear. It's a powerful lesson and yet one that I seem to need to keep repeating. I'm not sure what I'm learning tonight, but if you can think of anything that's stronger than exhaustion, do let me know.

I already know what's stronger than the pain, at least on a temporary basis: it comes in the form of little white tablets and costs 36p for eight doses from the chemist and it keeps the ouch levels down at 2 or 3 on a scale of 1 to 10.I want to stay off the prescription-grade painkillers, the pharmaceutical kabbalah, until I'm 40, and so far I've been successful.

So in my prayers tonight I thank God for the mercy that ibuprofen brings, and for the fact that I don't yet need anything stronger. And I thank God that the greatest of my immediate worries is not whether I will survive the night, not whether I will have a roof over my head or food to eat this time next week, not whether my close family are in any grave peril, but that I'd really rather like to get my work done and make a good job of it and I'm not sure if I have the physical endurance to do it.

This made me smile.

Love is stronger than fear.

I am very tired, so I'm not sure how much sense this will make, but I want to write it down before I go to sleep as tomorrow is busy and I won't have a lot of time to reflect.

I played in a concert today. The repertoire was chamber music that I love, the venue was a beautiful church.

As late as this morning I felt deeply ambivalent about playing. One or two people I'd hoped would be able to attend could not and I was feeling a bit forlorn and sorry for myself, but I don't think that was the main issue. I've been working with these musicians for about a year, and they are fine players, but at times all three of us lack organisation and initiative, and that makes for a bumpy ride. I've been feeling annoyed at the pianist over a number of administrative things for a while now. Yesterday's rehearsal was somewhat fraught, both in terms of musical issues which I thought had been resolved ages ago, and in terms of some of the details of what was to happen today. We were all tired, which never helps, and can be worrying the day before a concert. This morning I felt that we should be able to do better but that I didn't know how to raise the bar, how to get this trio of ours to rehearse and organise to the standard I think we're capable of rather than one that would be okay. I knew the concert would be okay but I want to do better than 'okay'. The music is worth doing better than 'okay'.

Today's concert went better than expected. To begin with I was in a very nit-picky frame of mind. I did try to relax and get past all the stress and irritation but was having quite a hard time doing so and remained rather vexed until the violinist made a mistake she has never made before, at which point something in me seemed to shatter and all the irritation and anxiety melted away and somehow I got on with loving the music, my fellow musicians and the audience, which is really what I'm there for... I don't really have the right words to explain it properly, but I have previously found that the difference between performances I enjoy and performances I don't is something along those lines, and it does seem to come across to the listener in at least some cases. There seems to be an element of it in practising as well, though it's a lot easier to tailor my practising to how I'm feeling that day than it is a public performance!

I don't know if anyone noticed any audible difference today, of course, and I don't think technical aspects of my playing changed much, but it was interesting to experience that sort of perspective shift so abruptly in the middle of playing, like winter turning to summer in about half a second but with less confusion, or a loved one walking into the room smiling. To put it in bluntly theist terms, it felt like God smiling, and my own playing and my own feeling toward music, players and audience was a natural response to that smile, that love, a prayer with no words, just Brahms.

It's so much easier, and so much more rewarding, to make music from that perspective than from the fear-driven perspective.

I hope to learn to get to that point more consistently... though I have a feeling it's mostly about creating the right conditions, making a sort of mental space where that can happen, and then getting out of the way and letting things happen or not. There are probably techniques I can use to help things along but ultimately it doesn't feel like a process that I can control by sheer will, more a blessing to be hoped for and to be grateful for.

There were some good comments from musicians in the audience but I didn't have time to chat properly as I had to run off and teach. It will certainly make for an interesting discussion with my own teacher at the next lesson; an advantage of having studied with him for so long is that we can discuss things like this, which I think are more important in some ways than the technical issues (I can fix those by logic and practice, though of course it's faster to consult with people who can be more objective and have more experience) and can sound rather off-the-wall and irrational. And maybe it is irrational, but if music were entirely rational we'd get machines to do it.

Maybe I'm just trying to add meaning to something that really isn't so significant.

Or maybe I'm too tired to make much sense and should revisit this topic when I've had some sleep.

Or maybe love is stronger than fear.

Truth in context

After a couple of weeks of a gentler-than-usual teaching schedule I found today tiring. It didn't help that I ran over every single lesson, so though I had planned, agreed-upon teaching amounting to five and a half hours I actually taught for nearly seven hours today.. and of course lesson that run over slightly are usually the ones that are mentally and emotionally draining, and all the travel (Tube and cycling) leaves me pretty physically tired, too. I don't mind the unpaid work, but I need to pace myself better. I'm exhausted.

I still made it to Evensong at Church on the Hill. The choir outnumbered the congregation again, unless you count the choir as part of the congregation... I do. Church on the Hill is running a Lenten series of sermons on the seven deadly sins, and the curate who was preaching this evening drew the short straw and got to talk about lust.

I think he spoke well, trying to clarify the difference between the sin of lust and the gift from God that is sexual desire. He proposed that sinful lust can be identified two ways. One is by its being acquisitive, when we want someone for ourselves and in so doing turn them into objects. Another is by its being the stuff of selfish fantasies, in which we arrogantly cast ourselves in the starring role and the world revolves around us.

I can see how fantasy can be dishonest to a point, can be an escape or turning away from God-given reality where we can experience pain but also love. But I also think the human imagination is a gift from God, and wonder how this earnest young curate would identify the stories we tell ourselves and others in order to understand reality better rather than turn away from it. I suppose that, like the distinction between sinful lust and loving sexual desire, depends on context.

Perhaps there are some absolute truths, some absolute rules for right and wrong somewhere, and other situations or actions that really are context-sensitive. Maybe one of the areas where people disagree is in assigning any specific action to one category or another. Maybe one of the things we're trying to do in religious is to figure out what the absolute truths are, and make sense of how those affect the context-sensitive stuff.

If you had to choose one thing, one idea, and say you think it is an absolute truth (or perhaps an absolute command), what would it be?

The curate also mentioned in his sermon that Jesus is reported to have said very little about lust, though the link between the quote he did provide and the way he discussed the subject seemed a little tenuous.

That's seven Sundays in a row I've been to church. This seems to be getting to be something of a habit.

Further to my previous post I'd like to open up discussion here regarding some of the issues I touched on over at The Exegesis Fairy's blog. But I'm very tired, and I have yet to hunt library books tonight (to avoid fines tomorrow), so I think it will wait.