Holiday

I have been in Somerset, visiting Sweetie (who is here for two weeks of training) and having a bit of a rest. Yesterday I cycled about 12 miles, in beautiful weather, just because I could.

This time last year, vacationing in the same area, I had no interest in visiting various small country churches dotted around. This year year I am much more enthusiastic. The two I've visited so far were both unlocked, which is wonderful. I wish we could have that in London!

Sweetie is somewhat disturbed by how much I have changed, how much I keep changing, but remains politely tolerant. I can understand why it worries him. We've talked about it, of course, and we will again. But it will remain fundamentally unsettling for him. It's unsettling for me and I have at least some measure of trust in God, some embryonic faith that all will be well, some inkling of an idea that if I am honest with myself and with God I may still make mistakes but I will not go irretrievably wrong. When pressed Sweetie is a sort of theoretical agnostic and functionally he is atheist (though not anti-theist) and his beliefs offer him no comfort in the face of unpredictable transformation of one he loves dearly.

While I have been here there have been e-mails back and forth to the letting agent regarding our home in Upper Suburbia; the long and short of it is that the landlord verbally agreed that he would remove some items of furniture and is now refusing to honour that promise. This is very frustrating and disappointing. Regretfully the letting agents are accusing us, the tenants, of making things up regarding what the landlord had agreed to remove. I am unsure whether to let this go or whether to fight it tooth and nail. Either way it will be a challenge to continue making home there with this mess to work around.

I did have a chat with a new acquaintance who it seems will also be a useful contact, sending students my way when she hasn't the time for them. This is very good news indeed, it could give me a much-needed head start on that part of my career in a new neighbourhood.

While I am here I need to work on a job application. It's for a position which would give me a good chunk of hours and allow me to re-learn some things I've forgotten and broaden my horizons in a way which will be useful in further work. I don't know if it's the right position for me, but applying can't hurt. The deadline for applications is Friday and much of tomorrow will be taken up with travel so I need to have a think tonight about what to put in a cover letter.

Thinking about all this stuff doesn't seem like a holiday at all, in some ways. But yesterday I cycled, and I napped, and in the evening we went out to look at the meteor shower. And shortly I'll be off to meet Sweetie for lunch and then cycle to the sea-side, hopefully the rain will hold off until I get back.

Another week, another church

I'm looking for a church to attend regularly in the area I've just moved to, which I'm calling Upper Suburbia. Last Sunday I went to Nearest Church.

I've also been going occasionally to Morning Prayer at what I'll call Long Walk church (it is just over a mile and a half away, and my joints are iffy). The vicar there is very learned, and I--tentatively--like his theology, insofar as we've discussed it. So today I decided to turn up at a Sunday morning Eucharist there and see what I got.

The service was lively and somewhat informal; lots of noisy under-fives were joining in worship and nobody seemed to mind much. I liked that. There were bells but no smells and all the doors were kept open the entire time (it's hot today so this is perhaps understandable) and that felt right, too. The building is newer than many churches, having been rebuilt sometime post-WWII, but though it's rather discouraging from the outside it still feels like a church on the inside.

Importantly, given my difficulties with Eucharist and inclusion, the service booklet said "all who wish to receive come forward", none of this stuff about being a communicant member of a Christian church or whether you normally receive Communion in your own church. It still didn't feel right, so I went for a blessing instead, and I'm now not sure whether that was the right thing. But it's good to know that it is being offered unconditionally.

The Eucharist itself was given in one kind (as opposed to Nearest Church which is still using both kinds and giving people the option of receiving one kind) and we were told not to shake hands for the Peace. It's the same diocese so I can only assume that the instructions on that level have been very much along the lines of "do what you think best".

The service booklet also used the Apostles' Creed as the pre-Eucharist creed, and listed the Nicene Creed and also -- get this -- the United Church of Canada Creed as alternate creeds which are sometimes used in that community. I grew up with that creed, alongside the more traditional Nicene and Apostles' creeds.

The booklet also explained in plain terms the significance of various bits of the service, which was nice.

The sermon was on the second paragraph of the Apostles' Creed. I don't remember it as well as I'd like, I'm writing this some hours later, but it was useful. To paraphrase (possibly inaccurately, before anyone goes accusing the good vicar of heresy), it said that the Christian faith recognises Jesus as being so incredibly attuned to and responsive to the will of God (the Father/Creator) that we worship him as actually being One with what is Divine. That's... the closest I have come to an understanding of Jesus' divinity that I can accept. There was also in the preamble a reference to the current Anglican Covenant nonsense and the remark that we already have a Christian covenant.

Most bits of the service, including the Lord's Prayer (but not including the psalmody, sigh), were sung. I don't know the mass setting, I assume there are various standard ones about. The hymnal was one of these Kevin Mayhew things full of ridiculously cringe-worthy theology and there were no dots for me to read but the hymns chosen seemed mostly okay (not so sure about the very last one with the syncopated rhythms but it might be better with a choir), weren't taken too slowly... the organist is not as virtuosic as the one at Nearest Church but does seem to be reasonably musical.

There was no choir but the service booklet mentions a 'music group' which sometimes sings an anthem. The congregation was much more independent and confident at singing, though, even if some of the notes diverged quite a bit from what the organist was playing.

The announcements did include things that make me think the congregation (or at least the vicar) are committed to both ecumenical and inter-faith relations in a way I approve of.

Afterward one person introduced herself, politely enough, and then flitted off and one person who normally comes to Morning Prayer said hello and that it was nice to see me on a Sunday morning. And then I quietly left. People weren't un-welcoming, as such, but either there wasn't tea afterward or nobody invited me...

Last week after visiting Nearest Church my imagination was alive with ways I could get involved and I felt very welcome. I actually skipped for a few meters on my way home.

This week at Long Walk Church some basic doctrinal issues seem to be closer to being resolved and the inclusiveness of the theology is good but I left feeling a bit flat and uninspired. And it IS a long walk, which could be a problem.

If I had only these two to choose from it would be a tough choice. The one that made me feel better was not the one that ticked most of the "I approve of this theology" boxes.

As it is I am wondering whether a possibility would be to attend Thursday morning Eucharist at Long Walk Church, and continue going there for Morning Prayer sometimes, but keep my Sunday attendance elsewhere. I'm not convinced that's the right thing either, though. Discernment is hard.

Thankfully I don't have to make a decision right away. Next Sunday I will try Church By-the-Station. It has by far the most active music program of the three, though as always, August is not a time when church choirs are at their best.

(Later in the afternoon I went back to Long Walk Church for a music event; the vicar is also a musician and he and some other friends have published a songbook. I couldn't stay long because I had already arranged to go elsewhere to meet someone; I bought the songbook, proceeds of which will go to inter-faith peace projects in the Middle East. The songs are... not what I'd been hoping. The words are okay, some of the words are even quite good. The music is not in and of itself actively offensive, though none of it stood out to me as particularly good either. But just because you have the right number of syllables and the right number of notes does NOT mean something will be singable. That said, I was sorry to have to leave before the end as the talky bits in between songs were quite informative and the vicar has obviously put some thought and study into this. I had written most of this post in my head before I went back, though.)

On a lighter note...

This is quite funny. And pretty much sums up how I feel about the proposed Covenant.

Getting tied in knots

Some time ago I wrote in a comment on this post on my own blog:

I'm not sure about the Eucharist being any more (or less) sacramental than the rest of life. But I recognise that humans often do better with ritual to elevate and sanctify the everyday, that taking communion is a sort of "practise run" for seeing what is holy in all things. And maybe that has value for me, too. Maybe it would help. But maybe it wouldn't.

I suspect the Church has got the wrong end of the stick on this at times, that God does not turn any away from the table on account of small details such as not being communicant members of a Christian church. But on the list of "things I'm willing to ruffle feathers about" it's very low. If I'm right, every time I eat something and remember that Jesus said "Do this in remembrance of me" I am taking communion, every time I receive anything in this world and remember that it comes from God I am taking communion. The Church can hardly stop me. It has no monopoly on access to God. While I would like to participate, while I might find it meaningful to do so, I do not _need_ to, not enough to bother trying to twist my beliefs to become a Christian by some definition I don't understand, not enough to challenge the established Church.

If I'm wrong, if the Eucharist has some absolute, innate holiness that sets it aside from life in real terms and not just human ones, then it's quite a bit more serious. In that case I should refuse to partake until all are truly welcome. If God's love is unconditional and God's sacrament is a way of receiving God's love then limiting access to that on doctrinal grounds is, in my view, not very representative of God in the world.

Most likely? I am working with a flawed, incomplete definition of "sacrament". So I'll try to learn more and if I change my understanding, what the church calls sacrament will still be there.

I'm struggling with this again. Or still. MadPriest has posted an excellent sermon for this coming Sunday.

I was baptised as a baby. I don't remember it, but given other baptisms by the same minister (I observed no shortage of these over the years) I can confidently say I was baptised in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

I was confirmed when I was 9 or 10 years old, I think. Maybe I was 11. In that denomination there was no bishop involved. Due to family circumstances I did not really feel like I had any choice at all about confirmation. It was something that was expected of me and to say "I don't think I'm ready" or similar would have had unpleasant consequences. I know I took classes beforehand. I remember nothing about them except that we had to memorise the books of the Old Testament, in order. For all I know I might have asked some questions, but I doubt it. It's very unusual for me to simply forget bits of my education like that; I can tell you some of what was on the curriculum in pretty much every other class I have ever taken, even if I don't remember the actual information any more. So... I don't really consider that confirmation valid.

Then there's the small detail of my turning away from Christianity for around a decade. I don't think that undoes the baptism, but I don't really consider myself a member of a Christian church. Maybe it's a grey area in some ways, maybe some do consider me Christian, but I don't.

The C of E invites all Christians who "normally attend communion at their own church" to receive the Eucharist.

The C of E is the closest thing to 'my own church' that I have at the moment. It's certainly what I feel most drawn to, despite all the various problems.

But, see, there are these creed things, and trying to believe them, wanting to believe them, doesn't make me believe them or even understand them. Singing does, but how can I claim to believe something if I only believe it when I sing? How can I become a member of a church that insists I do believe these things, and still keep any integrity? I don't think I can.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. I'm not excluded from the C of E because of my actions or sexual orientation or ethnic background or gender. I can hardly complain about being excluded because I don't believe the basic qualifying beliefs. It's fair enough, really.

And yet I feel left out. If the Eucharist is a rite in which we recognise and accept God's love for us, why do I have to be a member to partake?

That's more like it!

I hardly need link to it since very few of you will read this and not the Thinking Anglicans blog, but I'm very heartened by this response to the Archbishop of Canterbury's response to TEC's General Convention.

A Different Way Forward

MadPriest has come up with a lovely alternative to all this Anglican Covenant nonsense.

He writes:

I do have a solution. It's orthodox and as old as the writings of St. Paul. My solution has two directions.

Firstly, we should not hold so tightly to each other within the Communion. We should go back to the early church paradigm of independent churches - in our case this would probably be at provincial level. Each church, as it did in those early days, should exist within the culture of its own location. Not always aping that culture but always knowledgeable of it - especially in respect of its customs and language. All our missionary effort should be local and based on our relationship with the society we live in.

But, secondly, the sacraments of baptism and communion must be common among all the churches. All this rubbish about not sharing communion for whatever reason has to stop. All the baptized should be able to receive and/or be prepared to receive communion in any church. It is my greatest hope that one day this will be accepted by all Christians in all denominations.

In other words we should not seek unity through human constructs such as dogma and covenants. Our unity should be in our common baptism and our sharing in Christ's body.

The branches of the vine are in different places. But, no matter how far apart they are from each other they are connected to each other through the stem of the vine. Until we understand that the different parts of the universal church can only relate to each other through Christ - not through human councils, we will never be able to live with each other. We need to accept our human limitations and humbly allow God to heal us, in his own time, through the body and blood of his Son.

In other words - keep it simple, let it be, accept diversity and leave the hard work to the Spirit.

I name this solution - The Provincial Church Movement. I don't think anybody will be able to make PCM sound mucky.

You know, I'm very shaky on my doctrine... not entirely sure what I think about sacrament or how convinced I am of Jesus' divinity and really generally quite confused. But as a structure for the church, or even the Church? I'd accept that. I'd be up for participating, even based on my current very shaky understanding.

Just went to my first Sunday service in Upper Suburbia. There are a few different churches I want to check out... maybe shopping around isn't the way to go, maybe it's better just to plonk myself down somewhere and make the best of it, but several options look like they might be suitable.

So at Nearest Church, people were warm and welcoming. I'm not entirely certain what I think of incense and bells, but I appreciate that it is meaningful to some. They are certainly in the Catholic end of the Anglo-Catholic spectrum, but they also emphasize inclusiveness and acceptance on their website and seem to be fairly involved with other local churches. They have a cafe they've opened recently which is excellent (I've been twice; good food, cheap too, and absolutely no pressure from anyone: just a friendly community space). The sermon was meandering but thoughtful.

There is a hint of a Song-shaped hole in the music. Different people mentioned various possibilities for paid work, which surprised me a little; I'd been thinking of what I might be able to contribute, but had assumed there would be no financial compensation until after some years of volunteering or apprenticeship, because churches are always strapped for cash. The organist is lovely, has similar views to mine regarding teaching and performance, gave me a run-down of the local church music scene, and is happy for me to essentially use that organ--quite a nice one--to teach myself how to play and write for organs (a major hole in my background, especially in the context of writing for small parishes who don't have many trained musicians and may not be able to get the resources for SATB a capella but can probably scrape up an organist on occasion and probably have organs left over from a time when people spent serious money on church music).

And it felt so good to sing again, to sing in worship with other people. And to go up to the altar for a blessing... it's been more than a month, and I don't know if it's just me, just wishful thinking, a sort of psychosomatic grace, but it feels like something happens there. That's for another post, perhaps.

I don't know if this particular parish is the right church for me but I feel more confident now that church, more generally, is right for me.