Still searching, but I found something interesting along the way

This "finding a church" lark is feeling a bit like having cheap satnav.

Today I went again to Church-by-the-Station. I think I might be starting to lean away from there and toward Nearest Church.

If being told at intervals which paragraph of the service sheet we are on is annoying me on my second visit, it's going to annoy me a lot more after a few months.

Some people were friendly and remembered me from three weeks ago, but many didn't. Maybe there was something else going on... people didn't really seem to linger after the service.

During communion the choir sang an anthem and it was all I could do not to get up and join in. I really do need to be singing in worship, I think. And with that hymn book full of unfamiliar hymns and no copy with notation, I'm not finding that easy. But if that were the only hurdle I would just go and buy a full music copy, or arrive early enough to borrow one.

The sermon was... well, it made me think. It was outlining three things "religion" gives people, or three things God gives people, and it wasn't quite clear which was which at times. The vicar spoke of God giving us our existence, creating all the universe and beyond. He spoke of religious communities and the flawed but devoted way humans can use them as a framework for doing God's will on earth. And he spoke of God's love for humanity, so huge that He gave his Son... this is an idea that I can't quite speak of but I can sing of, I can't quite bring myself to believe the specifics but somehow I know the underlying message of love is true.

But the vicar in his sermon did come right out and say that Christianity offers something of God that other religions don't, that Christians have some sort of superior understanding of God or route to salvation and rescue not available elsewhere, and I'm not terribly cool with that, even as I feel so drawn to this faith. I'll go as far as to say Christianity offers me something I haven't found elsewhere, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist: just that I haven't been able to see it. I won't say that salvation is not universal, and that's the logical extension of the idea. I wish I could remember the wording used, maybe I am doing the vicar a disservice here. But I nearly shouted, my objection was so sharp, and some small part of me wonders what would have happened if I had.

And then it got interesting.

A bit of background...I'm not great with creeds, because some of my beliefs don't feel static to me. My belief in the existence of God is very strong, it doesn't matter whether I'm singing or speaking or writing or dancing or nearly asleep, it's just... there. But I struggle with Trinitarian doctrine, I am not convinced of the historical details, I'm not always sure what people even mean by the Holy Spirit (maybe that is what is alive in me when I sing? I hope so). So I usually say some bits of the creed and remain respectfully silent for others. In the Common Worship translation of the Nicene Creed, I usually say the first sentence, then nothing until "We believe in the Holy Spirit".

Today was a bit different. It suddenly seemed terribly important to say "through Him all things were made." So I did, loudly and clearly.

It relates back to what I wrote two weeks ago, the idea that there really isn't anywhere else to go, anyone else to turn to, that whenever we turn to the words of eternal life we are turning to Jesus whether we call it that or not, whether we understand it in that framework or not. Christianity is one framework for relating our lives to something ineffable and universal. That ineffable universal love is the only thing worth living for, but that doesn't mean Christianity is the only way to live in it.

I spent much of the rest of the service praying that the vicar might not have meant what he said, that perhaps I'd misunderstood in my usual defensive manner and really he does already know this on some level, the poor man. But I find it striking how hearing a denial of something I have come to believe made me believe it all the more fiercely, strange how being told something contrary to my strongest hopes seemed to affirm and strengthen them rather than leave them dashed to pieces on the floor.

Afterward I ended up talking to Networking Organist from Nearest Church; his wife attends Church-by-the-Station. This was a lot of talking shop, essentially. I don't want to go into a lot of detail here, but the general gist of it was this:

I need to sing in a choir, and probably to be involved with music provision on a more active level than just turning up and reading alto or tenor in rehearsals.

Nearest Church has a small struggling choir which may sink or swim; Networking Organist cannot build it up on his own. It may be a lost cause: it's a very small parish, a very small congregation, and there are no reliable strong singers. But it may have the seeds of something meaningful. Some of the congregation there sit and listen to the organ postlude, like I always do. Someone there commented on my singing voice the first time I turned up. They are actually at least trying to do some fundraising to get the organ fixed. I have asked what I can bring to the situation that might help.

Church-by-the-Station has a larger, but still small, struggling choir, and the music director (who is competent and energetic) is leaving in January for reasons which are unclear but which suggest that support for music in that congregation is lower than it might be and he is fed up. We talked about some of the politics of this, and particularly the fact that there is no talk of a sort of apprentice or shadow position for someone who would eventually replace the existing music director. That is what is needed, even if it would be unpaid. That is something I might be able to do, but I'm not yet comfortable enough at that church to volunteer to do it. I would want to have a long long chat with the existing music director, and today he had to rush off.

Both of those churches and also Long Walk Church have clergy who are nearing retirement age. In any of the three, things could change drastically in the next five years. Long Walk Church is not easy for me to get to, I want to retain some connection with them but I do not think I can commit to getting there every Sunday morning once the mornings draw in and the cold makes my joints complain more.

I can see myself getting involved in the music at Nearest Church or maybe even some sort of joint choral venture between there and Church-by-the-Station, with some guidance and support from Networking Organist and others.