Thursday, 22 April 2010

Please vote.

By now if you aren't registered to vote in the UK's forthcoming general election, I'm sorry, it's too late for you to register.

There is a BNP candidate in the constituency where I live. This makes me feel vaguely nauseous. I will be voting, and of course I will not be voting for the BNP.

Otherwise? Life continues apace. This identity and my real name are colliding in some interesting (but I think manageable) ways. My foot is healing, walking is getting easier, the regular therapy for joint issues is going well and soon we will be down to monthly instead of weekly appointments which will be cheaper (I would have had to wait, on the NHS...) and take less of my travel time. I am behind on the gardening, composing, teaching prep, tidying, laundry, study for the Big Project (thank God it has no actual deadlines yet!), chamber music administrative work, general life maintenance paperwork, oh, and that thing all musicians must do, the thing that keeps me what I am, practising. Reading other people's blogs is minimal; commenting is happening even less.

I am having a great time and learning a huge amount but I am not going to catch up.

I haven't heard back from the homeless shelter I sent the volunteering application form to. Psalmody work continues apace, and often of an evening I tell Twitter I'm nearly home before stumbling wearily off the Tube, having been reading, half-asleep and exhausted from teaching, about Reformation politics and vernacular worship or some such thing, and more often than not there is someone begging. And I know I'm not in a position to just invite them into the house where I live, I know I don't have the skills, I don't have the understanding, to be of real help, I'm mentally fragile enough that dealing with someone who has really serious problems might well push me back into mental illness myself; I don't even have the financial resources of my own, given that Sweetie pays my rent! and I don't know whether giving money is the right thing -- it won't treat the mental health problems or drug addiction or whatever else has caused them to slip through the ever-widening cracks in a welfare system that has been comprehensively screwed over by the Tories and then by New Labour -- and I'm horribly, shamefully safe about it, never stopping if I'm alone or there aren't people about or I'm carrying an instrument or I don't have money easily to hand, never pausing for a simple decent conversation with a human being, finding out their side of the story, forming some sort of relationship that isn't based on my relative wealth. I walk that last leg of my journey home wishing I weren't such a coward, and I pray someone else knows what to do and has the courage to do it. And I get home, and tell Twitter I've got home safely, and I fail even to mention those who haven't got a safe home to go to.

Lord, have mercy.

A regular mid-week rehearsal has had to change to another time, and my first thought was "that's going to be really annoying for the group". My second thought, so quickly after the first, was "Now I can get to the mid-week Eucharist at Nearest Church". A said service, no less, not a hymn or a chant in earshot (though in my mind's ear the chanted kadosh, kadosh, kadosh and the blessings for ha-motzi and ha-gafen remain). I didn't expect bread and wine to become such a part of me so quickly -- or rather, I knew the bread and wine would, I didn't know the body and blood would. I am taking great comfort in this sacrament, even though my view of the entire world as sacramental has not changed in any fundamental way.


Ernest said...


A long and very full post. It is really wonderful to hear how much is happening and how God is working with you and through you in so many ways.

Life has a habit of speeding up or catching up, with us - and perhaps even taking us forward faster than we anticipate - but what a ride to be along for!

It is good to hear that your Big project is progressing - although the work and study for it are both a burden and a joy at the same time - the times of learning and growth are wonderful as we come to see old things with new eyes and new things in a different light.

I thank God that your joint issues are also improving, albeit slowly - healing has been in my prayers for you.

Your thoughts on wishing to help the homeless and for social justice are shared by so many - practicalities have to be taken into consideration - if financial or practical help is not an option - prayer is also necessary and an essential tool for spiritual support for the issues and perhaps one day, you will have the freedom and means to give more practical support.

Sharing the Sacrament of the Eucharist in community is part of your journey - which goes on. How wonderful it is to read of it here.

I will be praying that it continues for you with as much joy and wonder as now.

it's margaret said...

Lord have mercy indeed!
And, yes, the world is entirely sacramental.

Bless you, dear sister.

Song in my Heart said...


I think one of the difficulties is that I can't tell the difference between adapting to practicalities, and just making excuses. I think of Moses protesting that since he doesn't speak well, he can't lead these people. Am I meant to wait around for Aaron? Am I learning patience, or wasting time?

Thank you, as always, for your prayers.

Song in my Heart said...


Thank you.