Thursday, 20 January 2011

Trying not to get ahead of myself

I'm less tired now.

I did go to the doctor about the cough I've had for ages, and was offered a choice of over-the-counter medicine I hadn't considered, or antibiotics. I really dislike antibiotics so took the over-the-counter stuff and it is helping, slowly.

I haven't caught up on reading blogs; twitter is still the main touchstone with the online world for me right now. And I could apologise and I could feel guilty, but I've been practising again -- this is important -- and there is only so much time in a day.

I think the practising is what is helping most, really. I think Bach does me more good than cough syrup.

I am still getting other people telling me I have some sort of vocation to ordained ministry, as if I'm walking around with a big neon sign over my head that is plain for others to see but which somehow escapes my awareness. I don't understand, and I'm finding it a bit scary, in terms of what it would mean for me but also in terms of what it would mean for loved ones. So I played the "second-guess" game a lot, wondering whether people just see someone who is reasonably young, reasonably enthusiastic about God (and even, sometimes, church) and reasonably bright and thinks that means I should be collared... wondering how much of this religion thing is because some of my dearest, most admired friends happen to be priests... wondering whether the reason I don't see this is because it isn't there, or if it's because I just don't have a coherent enough definition of priesthood and sacrament to be able to identify it, or if it's because there's a big "NOT YET" that I need to wait out first.

Seriously, all this feels like stalling. It won't go away; it feels like I'm avoiding something, not like I'm making a decision. But the "NOT YET" is going to win for a least a while; as far as the C of E is concerned I am not even confirmed.

I don't play Bach a movement at a time or a page at a time or a bar at a time but one precious painstaking note after the next. And every note demands all my musical might, all my attention and focus and love. But playing one note at a time doesn't mean I'm not playing Bach; rather, it means I am.

So I guess I live one day, one breath, one note at a time, keep learning and growing, keep doing the work set before me, regardless of what some people say is just over the page.


Dreaming Beneath the Spires said...

Hope you feel better soon!

Song in my Heart said...

Thank you, Anita. I am already feeling better than I was a few weeks ago.

UKViewer said...


I am really glad to see you back blogging, I had missed you - hopefully you are now well on the mend and playing glorious bach once again.

As for Ordained Ministry - well, I have had enough trouble getting to where I am at - which is half-way through a process of discernment, which may still result in a NO.
I think that you are wise to wait, but I also consider you should consider discussing it with your Vicar and one or two trusted friends to see what they think.

One thing I have learned is to be at peace with the process and myself and to totally surrender it to God, who will make his intentions clear in good time.

I often think back to the type of struggle you seem to be having and know that I felt totally inadequate, totally unprepared and totally not suitable. To some extent that uncertainty hovers around a bit like the elephant in the room - but for the support I have received from my spouse, from Vicar, friends and latterly the DDO, I might well have chickened out and taken the easy route to some form of lay ministry.

One thing only has kept me on track, the certainty that God is calling me to some form of ministry, and not to test the call would have been something I would have regretted for the remainder of my life.

I am older, 61, so I do not have the luxury of time or space to wait out, it is now or never - so I am whole-heartedly in the process, whatever the final outcome.

Song in my Heart said...


I am glad to be back, though I'm not sure how long it will last!

I have mentioned the comments about ordained ministry in passing to my vicar; because I'm the organist it's a little different than if I were a "regular" parishioner, we have a working relationship to consider.

I think some of my hesitation is simply because the work I have to do now is so obvious. So, like you, I have to trust that God will make things clearer in good time.