Monday, 7 March 2011

Then were we like those who dream.

I said I had more to write. I wasn't joking.

I'm someone who likes to figure things out by talking them through, writing them down, thinking about them. Sometimes I don't even really know what I feel about a situation until I've put it into words.

Last Wednesday night/Thursday morning I had a pretty strong dream.

I'm used to weird and crazy dreams of one sort or another. I generally think of them as my brain's maintenance subroutines, and best not interfered with unless they are causing me undue distress. I am hesitant to give them significance. I want to be able to explain things, and dreams are all too often inexplicable.

This dream was different. In this dream, things I've been trying to understand became clear. The answers were there all along. In the dream I was asked to write them down, and I did. I almost never have words in dreams, let alone write them. Words are for the day, the light.

When I woke, I remembered what I'd written. So I wrote it down. It still makes sense.

I was asked to write down what the church is, what I'm supposed to do there. I wrote:

1) Togetherness/unity in Christ.
2) Unconditional service.

For 2) I meant unconditional service of all people, serving God through serving God's children.

For 1) I meant the Eucharist. And it's so obvious -- there is only one bread, I've said that how many times? -- but I think, on the whole, I get so caught up in 2), in service to others and the community, that I tend to push aside 1).

So much else was going on, Thursday and the days surrounding it -- tidying and cleaning in preparation for a house inspection was just one of the things on my plate -- but this, this came along anyway. And I can't ignore it, and I can't ignore little itches, insistent scratching about vocation, priesthood even, any longer. All the same, I felt less stressed about the whole thing than I have in a while. There's plenty of time, you see, and other things this week make it quite clear that the work I'm doing now is just as important, will not be rushed.

The problem with dreams is that if I tell someone "I had a dream about X and now I feel very strongly that I must pursue Y" they will think I have come rather unhinged. I have, of course. But who'd be sane by this world's rules?

That doesn't help in talking to Sweetie, talking to spiritual directors, talking to all the people I'll have to talk to if this leads where I think it will. Explaining myself. I like explanations because I can use them to explain myself to others. If this is what I think, there's going to be a lot of 'splaining to do.

Even typing that, a part of me thinks "If? What do you mean, if? Surely you mean when?", and I stop, and take another breath, and somehow, there are no words.


UKViewer said...

Song, What you have written seems to resonate very strongly with me.

I had dreams, was waking up thinking of all related things to Priesthood and just could not get it out of my head.

It took several months for me to identify what was happening, but once it became clear that I seemed to be being called to some form of Ministry, it became a little calmer.

Speaking to my Parish Priest was the first step on a long journey, which two years later is still a work in progress.

Despite everything that has got in the way of vocation since, the path has been cleared to allow the discernment process to start and progress.

I know that there is such a long journey ahead, and due to my age, time is actually at a premium, but I have been gifted the peace to deal with it all.

I will be praying for you as you journey onwards and will continue to follow to see where it leads.

But wonderful news all of the same.

Arkadian Dreams said...

I'd be the last person to say you've become unhinged, but then you know I've had similar experiences myself - though not, perhaps, as explicit as yours.

You've been given a Call; no doubt further hints as to which direction this should take will unfold in time.

it's margaret said...

You continue in my prayers Song.