Sunday, 3 July 2011

Meandering update

The old demons I was fighting last week are... well, not conquered, but I've done all I can for now, and my brain seems to be letting me have a rest from that until I find out what the next step is.

Meanwhile everything else is still shifting, and I wait.

I went to Evensong at a church in the next deanery, and was asked if I'd read. I did. Afterward the organist mentioned, after we'd chatted about other things, that during the reading he'd thought I "really should be ordained".

This keeps happening. It's disconcerting that others see this so clearly in me. It's disconcerting that so much of it depends on others, on circumstances, is beyond what I can even try to control.

I mentioned a new spiritual director, a while back. She is excellent; slightly daunting, perhaps, but in a good way. And very near by, which is such a relief when so much of my life involves commuting in one form or another.

The radishes have bolted in the garden. The flowers are so pretty I haven't quite had the heart to pull them up, even though I know the sweetcorn needs the light.

I've been writing more music recently, not a great deal more but some. It feels important, and I've had some encouragement from unexpected directions.

I am terrified by the politics in this country at the moment.

I'm not sure yet what I'm using this blog for now, or where it is going. When I started it I needed a place to try out ideas, a way of interacting with a community I couldn't easily reach in person and didn't know I needed to seek, a space to reflect. I've made some wonderful friends as a result. But the real heart-on-sleeve stuff feels too precious now to put online, even somewhat anonymously. Other spaces to reflect have become more comfortable through being less guarded. I have got "stuck in" to various church communities locally, to the point that I think it is the non-church communities that I need to make an effort to engage with. I no longer have a daily commute which lends itself to reading blogs.

But I still have a feeling I don't want to leave this abandoned, I don't want to break contact. So I post a sort of "still alive" thing every once in a while.


UKViewer said...


Thank you for this reflection. It seems to me that having a call you feel affirmed in the ways you describe is part of the evidence that the church looks for in potential Ordinand's.

Affirmation or your own call, although I appreciate that some things get in the way of following that call.

At the Ordination yesterday, someone said to them that it was the affirmation of 12 years of their life. 8 years from the call to actually having it recognised and them commencing training, through to being deaconed last year and priested yesterday.

It seems that sometimes the church is being ultra careful, but I can see that you feeling a call and the church recognising it are two quite different things.

I dislike some of the barriers erected for those trying to discern their call, they appear to be for the benefit of the church, but sometimes I wonder if they are for the benefit of the 'traditionalists' who hold sway at the moment, with all of their alarm calls about dilution of standards.

I actually think that if God is calling you to something, it's the church itself diluting that call, not the individual.

For me the key message is the Gospel and the infinite love and patience of God. God chooses, we follow. Man stands in the way of that choice. Its time that man actually looked hard at itself and sought the truth and trust of God's love and will for people, particularly for those in your situation.

I suppose my message is that time, patience, persistence and perseverance are what is needed to move forward. Probably not a message you want to hear, but outwith your control.

I will be praying for some light in all of this.

Jan said...

I'm glad you blogged your reflections. My spiritual director moved away, and now I depend on a certain spiritual friend to help me discern. Hoping this daunting sd will help point the way--as it sounds like you are in that thin place of "both/and" which is uncomfortable and unknowable.

it's margaret said...

I too am glad you have blogged your reflections here. You have a distinct 'voice' --and you have been a source of inspiration to me.

God bless you in every way!
PS: politics are freakin' scary everywhere at the moment --a watershed moment in history, perhaps...