Getting tied in knots

Some time ago I wrote in a comment on this post on my own blog:

I'm not sure about the Eucharist being any more (or less) sacramental than the rest of life. But I recognise that humans often do better with ritual to elevate and sanctify the everyday, that taking communion is a sort of "practise run" for seeing what is holy in all things. And maybe that has value for me, too. Maybe it would help. But maybe it wouldn't.

I suspect the Church has got the wrong end of the stick on this at times, that God does not turn any away from the table on account of small details such as not being communicant members of a Christian church. But on the list of "things I'm willing to ruffle feathers about" it's very low. If I'm right, every time I eat something and remember that Jesus said "Do this in remembrance of me" I am taking communion, every time I receive anything in this world and remember that it comes from God I am taking communion. The Church can hardly stop me. It has no monopoly on access to God. While I would like to participate, while I might find it meaningful to do so, I do not _need_ to, not enough to bother trying to twist my beliefs to become a Christian by some definition I don't understand, not enough to challenge the established Church.

If I'm wrong, if the Eucharist has some absolute, innate holiness that sets it aside from life in real terms and not just human ones, then it's quite a bit more serious. In that case I should refuse to partake until all are truly welcome. If God's love is unconditional and God's sacrament is a way of receiving God's love then limiting access to that on doctrinal grounds is, in my view, not very representative of God in the world.

Most likely? I am working with a flawed, incomplete definition of "sacrament". So I'll try to learn more and if I change my understanding, what the church calls sacrament will still be there.

I'm struggling with this again. Or still. MadPriest has posted an excellent sermon for this coming Sunday.

I was baptised as a baby. I don't remember it, but given other baptisms by the same minister (I observed no shortage of these over the years) I can confidently say I was baptised in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

I was confirmed when I was 9 or 10 years old, I think. Maybe I was 11. In that denomination there was no bishop involved. Due to family circumstances I did not really feel like I had any choice at all about confirmation. It was something that was expected of me and to say "I don't think I'm ready" or similar would have had unpleasant consequences. I know I took classes beforehand. I remember nothing about them except that we had to memorise the books of the Old Testament, in order. For all I know I might have asked some questions, but I doubt it. It's very unusual for me to simply forget bits of my education like that; I can tell you some of what was on the curriculum in pretty much every other class I have ever taken, even if I don't remember the actual information any more. So... I don't really consider that confirmation valid.

Then there's the small detail of my turning away from Christianity for around a decade. I don't think that undoes the baptism, but I don't really consider myself a member of a Christian church. Maybe it's a grey area in some ways, maybe some do consider me Christian, but I don't.

The C of E invites all Christians who "normally attend communion at their own church" to receive the Eucharist.

The C of E is the closest thing to 'my own church' that I have at the moment. It's certainly what I feel most drawn to, despite all the various problems.

But, see, there are these creed things, and trying to believe them, wanting to believe them, doesn't make me believe them or even understand them. Singing does, but how can I claim to believe something if I only believe it when I sing? How can I become a member of a church that insists I do believe these things, and still keep any integrity? I don't think I can.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. I'm not excluded from the C of E because of my actions or sexual orientation or ethnic background or gender. I can hardly complain about being excluded because I don't believe the basic qualifying beliefs. It's fair enough, really.

And yet I feel left out. If the Eucharist is a rite in which we recognise and accept God's love for us, why do I have to be a member to partake?