At least I have my health.

It's amazing the number of specialists it takes to keep me ticking over and functioning: psychiatrist, endocrinologist, various physiotherapists and rheumatologists (though I don't need to see them regularly now), among others. Thanks be to God for the NHS.

I had a little chat with the endocrinologist on Tuesday.

There were no surprises in my bloodwork. This is good.

The endocrinologist would deny me the drug I had originally asked for, because it might harm an unborn child. This despite my taking other measures and having no intention of trying to conceive anytime in the next two years, and seeking treatment for a condition which has 'reduced fertility' in its list of effects. I'm not sure what to make of this: exactly which hypothetical unborn child is going to be harmed? Why is that worth more than my health now, and indeed my future fertility? At what point is it his responsibility to advise me of the risks and at what point is it his responsibility to refuse to prescribe something? But I did not have the energy or the eloquence to debate with him. Perhaps at the next appointment, though that doesn't seem the time or place. Perhaps I can write a Politely Worded Letter.

As it happens, the drug I am being prescribed instead is actually far more appropriate given the results of the blood tests. It won't deal with the superficial symptoms so quickly but it will do much more to protect my long-term health from the rather serious side effects of the underlying problem. It's very good news to be treating this so early, but it's a bit scary, too. That's only really starting to sink in now. And the lifestyle modifications I've long been meaning to make are going to have to be taken more seriously, as the drugs will only do so much. Bother.

I'll have to go back to my GP for a prescription. I'll start the new medication after my exams, because it has some potential side effects that I simply cannot risk this close to a major performance.

In other news? I met with the chaplain at Academic Institution the other day, and it was useful, and I have an even longer list of things to read now. Sekr1t Pr0ject continues. The cherries are tasty and plentiful this year, and various other fruits are nearly ripe. I'm playing with Petite Violinist in her Big Final Exam Recital on Monday, and I'm really looking forward to it--she's making a really beautiful sound these days, and our rehearsal today was a joy. I had my first exam yesterday and I think it went okay; one down, two to go. Then housemoving and parental visits... it's going to be a while before I can start reading as many blogs as I'd like to.

still alive

Had an assignment due in today, got it in on time, but at cost of sleep and a rehearsal.

I've got exam tunnel-vision and will continue to have for a while. Please include in your prayers all those burdened by academic pressures, to borrow words from a friend who has done just that.

Yesterday in a break I was playing Brahms to an empty room, perfectly happily... not really practising as such, just playing. The conductor (also a player I respect very much but do not know well) walked in and my playing fell to pieces with self-conscious nerves. This time it was partly that it was unexpected, partly that I don't know the piece as well as I'd like. But it's something that can happen no matter how well I prepare, no matter how well I know I can play, no matter what steps I take beforehand to familiarize myself with the situation and remind myself why I am there. And that is what I fear most about these exams: trying my best and failing to connect. It's enough to make me want to slack off so at least I can blame not having worked hard enough for the sloppy performance, instead of having to face the fact that even when I do my best, my very human brain-body-spirit system is too complex to be consistent. But that same vulnerability is part of the flexibility that can make live performance something special.

No news yet on housing. Still playing stop-and-go with medical appointments but there's no cause for alarm there.

Sekr1t Pr0ject continues. I might share it with some of you when it's finished.