Still here

Boring Health Crap:

1) the Mystery Illness seems to be abating, on its own. I'd still rather know what it was, but at least I'm getting better.

2) I hurt my back a couple of weeks ago. I'll be fine, but it's painful and affecting mobility and my ability to work.

3) My Gee Pee wants me to see the Trick Cyclist about medication I've been on for years (and which is working just fine for me, thank you very much). This worries me. The tablets help, you see, to the point that I feel uncomfortable when faced with the fact that medical professionals who have no idea what it is like to be inside my head might take them away. But last time I had to do this (two years ago) the Trick Cyclist in question was very sensible and so there is probably nothing to worry about. So I keep telling myself.

However, this stuff takes a back seat to something else:

I'm being confirmed on Sunday.

Assuming I don't get cold feet between now and then, that is.

Keeping on.

Still ticking. Last day on the stronger tablets today, though I've been managing with food rather better this week than the one before.

I'm working on a project. It has to do with psalmody. Ultimately it's going to be something I'll attach my real name to, which means I can't discuss it much here. If you do want to hear about it let me know. I'll e-mail you if I have your address. Some of you have heard about it already.

The more I do research for this project, the more I let the psalms get into my head and my heart, the more it seems really important that I do some sort of direct voluntary work with people who are homeless. I wrote about this before, at the end of January. I don't know what the connection is; I don't know if my interest in psalmody will mean that the psalms are somehow directly involved in the work I eventually do, or if they "clear the lines" somehow so that discernment is easier for me, or if I'm going to need to know the psalms inside out and backward to deal with what I might find and this is a sort of preparation period for that. I only realised there was a connection fairly recently, after I'd written that other post.

This is way off the beaten track for me. The psalmody project itself is far more research-based than my usual work, but I can at least see a connection, a drawing together of various threads. But direct work with the homeless is unfamiliar in just about every way possible. Using my existing professional skills doesn't seem to be the requirement, and everything I can think up that uses them is definitely not the right thing.

I've spoken to some friends about this. I've spoken to my spiritual adviser/director. I've prayed. I've thought and thought and chased my tail.

I've found a night shelter/day centre within walking distance of where I live and printed out a volunteer application form.

I'm just going to have to try it and see what happens. I can't think this one through any further without taking action.

Right then. Thy will be done, and I hope I don't screw it up.

Mundane medical stuff

My body has been more achey than usual recently; this week I hauled myself off to first-line tech support (my local GP) to see if anything could be done about a couple of joint-related things.

I have a new diagnosis concerning one of my hands. It isn't really unexpected; people with another of my conditions are quite prone to it. There's nothing they can really do about it at this stage of things: all the treatments would involve serious loss of functionality, and I'm already doing all the preventive stuff I reasonably can. This isn't hugely painful yet, more a mild niggle that I thought I'd better mention, and at the moment I do have full functioning...the worst bit is not really knowing whether or when it will deteriorate, knowing that I'm really not in control of whether I will be able to play.

I also have some stronger tablets to try for a couple of weeks in hopes that the recent flare-up of ongoing stuff will calm down. We shall see.

I am trying to look on the bright side of this, to accept that it could all disappear anyway, I could be hit by a bus or whatever and poof! all gone! All of life is provisional, a gift, and it's absurd to expect mine to be free of pain or disability. I'm not sure if I'm succeeding, taking this in stride as just one more thing that sets me apart from those who are considered healthy and normal in this society, or if I'm simply ignoring the news.

Thanks be to God for the NHS, though -- without it I wouldn't be able to afford treatment.

Make me hear of joy and gladness,
that the bones you have broken may rejoice.
--Psalm 51, v9

At least I have my health.

It's amazing the number of specialists it takes to keep me ticking over and functioning: psychiatrist, endocrinologist, various physiotherapists and rheumatologists (though I don't need to see them regularly now), among others. Thanks be to God for the NHS.

I had a little chat with the endocrinologist on Tuesday.

There were no surprises in my bloodwork. This is good.

The endocrinologist would deny me the drug I had originally asked for, because it might harm an unborn child. This despite my taking other measures and having no intention of trying to conceive anytime in the next two years, and seeking treatment for a condition which has 'reduced fertility' in its list of effects. I'm not sure what to make of this: exactly which hypothetical unborn child is going to be harmed? Why is that worth more than my health now, and indeed my future fertility? At what point is it his responsibility to advise me of the risks and at what point is it his responsibility to refuse to prescribe something? But I did not have the energy or the eloquence to debate with him. Perhaps at the next appointment, though that doesn't seem the time or place. Perhaps I can write a Politely Worded Letter.

As it happens, the drug I am being prescribed instead is actually far more appropriate given the results of the blood tests. It won't deal with the superficial symptoms so quickly but it will do much more to protect my long-term health from the rather serious side effects of the underlying problem. It's very good news to be treating this so early, but it's a bit scary, too. That's only really starting to sink in now. And the lifestyle modifications I've long been meaning to make are going to have to be taken more seriously, as the drugs will only do so much. Bother.

I'll have to go back to my GP for a prescription. I'll start the new medication after my exams, because it has some potential side effects that I simply cannot risk this close to a major performance.

In other news? I met with the chaplain at Academic Institution the other day, and it was useful, and I have an even longer list of things to read now. Sekr1t Pr0ject continues. The cherries are tasty and plentiful this year, and various other fruits are nearly ripe. I'm playing with Petite Violinist in her Big Final Exam Recital on Monday, and I'm really looking forward to it--she's making a really beautiful sound these days, and our rehearsal today was a joy. I had my first exam yesterday and I think it went okay; one down, two to go. Then housemoving and parental visits... it's going to be a while before I can start reading as many blogs as I'd like to.

Free time

I haven't much of it right now. Yes, I know, blah blah blah if-you're-so-busy-stop-blogging-and-get-on-with-doing things. But the first house viewing of the day has been canceled and so I don't need to leave as early as I thought.

Medical appointment on Wednesday went well, with fewer blood samples needed than I had expected. I even got some work done in between. Now I wait for the next appointment to discuss results.

I had an essay back this week, I got 68% on it. Slightly disappointing to be two marks off of a First but on the whole a better result than I had expected. I may be in with a chance at a solid 2:1 for this degree after all; it's very hard to say as we've had very little feedback on some of the major work. I have two more pieces of written work to hand in, and then a crack at re-doing one that was done very poorly in December. I've started to count the time to my Big Final Exam Recital in days rather than weeks, though there are still more than two weeks to go. I'm mostly feeling tired. I had some admin fail to deal with earlier this week and it isn't resolved yet, and I'm hoping there will be progress over the weekend; right now it is out of my hands.

What else? Househunting. Today's first viewing was canceled; I didn't really like the sound of that house anyway. The second viewing is more promising. I don't want to say 'yes' to a house without seeing more than one, but I've done househunting a few times in my life now and this one could not be in a more perfect location, near to friends, transport and wide open spaces. Hopefully the inside will meet requirements and I'll have a new box to live in. I've been feeling quite pot-bound recently, in more ways than one.

Three of my four parents will be visiting this summer. Even thinking about this is such a mixture of anticipated joy and impending doom that I'm not going to try to explain it. I've realised that I have become more religious than any of my parents, or perhaps more practical about my spirituality would be a better word. That could get interesting.

I am cat-sitting for a friend. This is delightful. Cats are wonderful. And their kitchen has decent storage space which means it is full of food which means I don't have to think about food shopping at all until it's time to go back to the flat I live in at the moment.

I forgot to order the cheese for making cheesecake... I started making cheesecake every year for Shavuot when I was exploring Orthodox Judaism and I haven't really dropped the habit. But this year it will have to wait, as it's quite a time-consuming recipe and I don't really have any more free afternoons before my exam. Perhaps something alcoholic is more appropriate for Pentecost, in any case.

Still singing, praying, hoping; still thinking of you lot far more than I had thought I would when I started this lark back in February. Not reading blogs as much as I'd like; when I do comment I often abandon halfway through, as I nearly did with this post. Too much wittering, no real content. Still using twitter (I am song_in_heart there, but to follow my updates I'll have to know who you are, I'm still trying to protect some anonymity) more than anything else but if it's not your thing, fair enough; you don't miss much, the time that I spend there isn't time that I could use to blog properly. I'll get back to content sometime this summer, I hope.

Housekeeping

My hospital appointment on Thursday had mixed results. The short version is that I need to see the vampires at least twice more before they're even willing to make a decision as to how to proceed. I'm glad that the specialist is being thorough rather than dismissive, but I do grow weary of so many appointments.

Today I have mostly been doing housekeeping. I tidied my room some; there's a way to go, but the once-only-a-rumour floor has been sighted, and I have some clean laundry hanging up to dry for the week ahead. My internet access at home has not been working today so I've now retreated to the pub to sit in the sunshine, eat delightfully unhealthy food and use the wifi.

Some online housekeeping, then:

I do have a Twitter account. My username there is, predictably, song_in_heart. I am trying to maintain some semblance of anonymity so I'm afraid it's not public; if you want to follow me I'll have to approve you. If you've commented at all regularly here I'm almost certain to do so, if I can figure out who you are.

One of the things that ends up on my Twitter posts is haiku. This started as a joke among friends sometime last spring or summer and I've mostly kept at it, at a rate of two or three per week (more in summer, fewer in winter). They aren't necessarily very good but I like writing them, I like having to focus on what is in front of me and make it fit the syllables. In case some of you would like to read those without the rest of the chaff that ends up on Twitter, I've decided to start sticking them on a blog, Wandering Haiku. I'll probably update it once a week or so.

of appointments and Appointments

I have a hospital appointment tomorrow. This is for a relatively minor chronic condition for which my GP cannot prescribe me appropriate medication (what she is allowed to prescribe makes me depressed, and I'm not willing to put up with that side effect). I've waited some months for the appointment, by the time I've been referred to one place and another. I really hope they can help, otherwise it's more referrals and more waiting.

I've been having career-related thoughts today. My plan for some time has been to keep teaching music, and also do some arranging and composing, some education and outreach projects with friends, get involved in the local community. Eventually I want to do a Master's, though the list of possible subjects is so long I daren't look at it. It has also been my plan to eventually get to the point where my private teaching is all done from my home, and none of it on conventional weekends; this will take a while as right now about half my income is generated from the work I do on Sundays.

I learned that the music director at Leafy Suburb Church is going to be leaving. A small part of my brain filed that information away on Sunday and then presented it to me today as the daft notion that I should apply for the position.

There are many very good reasons why I am not going to do that; I'm not going to list them here. The main thing is that the timing and location are all wrong.

But... I do have most of the basic skills I would need. Okay, I'm not an organist, but I could learn it: the trick is to remember that it isn't a piano. My choral conducting skills are rusty at best but they'd improve fast with regular use, as I found out when I was doing some conducting every week for Big Project. Moving every two or three years as a child and singing in as many choirs as I could until university (when I had to cut back to one) means I'm familiar with most choral problems, if not the solutions to all of them. I don't know much about C of E liturgy and I'm unfamiliar with much of the standard repertoire in this country but that's nothing that can't be solved, in fact nothing I wasn't planning on learning more about anyway. There are issues around making things accessible to a younger generation without alienating those with more traditional tastes but I'm going to encounter those in all areas of music teaching and performance.

Most of my life I've wanted to teach and write music; to my great joy, that's what I've ended up doing. Most of my life I've been aware on some level that music is an important or even essential part of worship, for me, and singing especially so. Why it has never occurred to me (despite, looking back over the last year or so, a few suggestions from various directions) to take seriously the possibility of combining these two, I'm not sure. Pursued carefully it fits around my existing career plans rather well. And maybe nothing will come of this, but it's an interesting nudge and one that I'm not going to ignore.

I'm not going to do much about it immediately, either. Right now I need to get through the last bits of my degree. Then I need to move house and spend some time building up a class of students in the new area, and adjust to being an impoverished music teacher rather than an impoverished student.

For now, about the only thing that changes is this: when I'm looking for a church to attend in the area I'll be moving to this summer, I won't necessarily discount or reject communities that don't have a strong, vibrant music program. I can always help to build one after I get there.