The last couple of days have been truly wonderful. I got safely to my destination and was fed and watered and really, what sort of hostess but a fabulous one leaves a bar of FairTrade chocolate where I am sure to find it? (I've been saving it for the journey back to London.) The dogs are lovely in their enthusiastic doggy way, the cats are more circumspect but an absolute delight, and the humans here, the humans here are fantastic! I have been made to feel so very welcome and I am grateful to have been given this wonderful gift. The time away from London but still among friends, the mental and physical space to work with the companionship of knowing others are at work in the same house, has been a retreat of sorts, right when I needed it most.

I've not been online much, my computer doesn't want to play nice with the wireless here. That's just as well, really.

I've been thinking about sacrament and ritual and blessings and our human perceptions of same a fair bit, but the thoughts aren't really getting as far as words yet. I love that sometimes in said liturgy (and rather more often in sung worship), it feels to me as if something significant actually happens. I don't know whether that perception has any link at all to objective reality, but I know that looking for a church in Upper Suburbia, one of the things I will look for is whether that sense of awe is possible.

Sekr1t Pr0ject continues apace. I have a draft of something I can use, now, and so in some sense one of my goals for being here has been met. I'll do a different draft too, I think, and then let them sit a few days and see which one I like best before doing any serious editing. Many thanks to those of you who have helped with the project in one way or another--yes, you will get to see the results if you ask. And if you come across something that strikes you as perfect, don't hesitate to send it my way, as I am still open to ideas. Sorry if that's too cryptic for those of you not in on the sekr1t. It's a surprise, you see.

Housing continues to be source of mild stress, in that the letting agents are asking for documentation that I can't get to them when I'm not in London and didn't realise they needed before I left. But I still have hope that it will work out in the end.

The dogs took us for a long walk in the wood this afternoon (there were trees! and sticks! and other dogs! and grass! and dirt! and wind! and mud! and roots! and flowers! and butterflies! and birds! and sun! and shade!) and are now having some serious naps in various locations. I am starting to think the dogs have got the right idea... but I think I'll pick at a bit more work before I try to do too much else.

Free time

I haven't much of it right now. Yes, I know, blah blah blah if-you're-so-busy-stop-blogging-and-get-on-with-doing things. But the first house viewing of the day has been canceled and so I don't need to leave as early as I thought.

Medical appointment on Wednesday went well, with fewer blood samples needed than I had expected. I even got some work done in between. Now I wait for the next appointment to discuss results.

I had an essay back this week, I got 68% on it. Slightly disappointing to be two marks off of a First but on the whole a better result than I had expected. I may be in with a chance at a solid 2:1 for this degree after all; it's very hard to say as we've had very little feedback on some of the major work. I have two more pieces of written work to hand in, and then a crack at re-doing one that was done very poorly in December. I've started to count the time to my Big Final Exam Recital in days rather than weeks, though there are still more than two weeks to go. I'm mostly feeling tired. I had some admin fail to deal with earlier this week and it isn't resolved yet, and I'm hoping there will be progress over the weekend; right now it is out of my hands.

What else? Househunting. Today's first viewing was canceled; I didn't really like the sound of that house anyway. The second viewing is more promising. I don't want to say 'yes' to a house without seeing more than one, but I've done househunting a few times in my life now and this one could not be in a more perfect location, near to friends, transport and wide open spaces. Hopefully the inside will meet requirements and I'll have a new box to live in. I've been feeling quite pot-bound recently, in more ways than one.

Three of my four parents will be visiting this summer. Even thinking about this is such a mixture of anticipated joy and impending doom that I'm not going to try to explain it. I've realised that I have become more religious than any of my parents, or perhaps more practical about my spirituality would be a better word. That could get interesting.

I am cat-sitting for a friend. This is delightful. Cats are wonderful. And their kitchen has decent storage space which means it is full of food which means I don't have to think about food shopping at all until it's time to go back to the flat I live in at the moment.

I forgot to order the cheese for making cheesecake... I started making cheesecake every year for Shavuot when I was exploring Orthodox Judaism and I haven't really dropped the habit. But this year it will have to wait, as it's quite a time-consuming recipe and I don't really have any more free afternoons before my exam. Perhaps something alcoholic is more appropriate for Pentecost, in any case.

Still singing, praying, hoping; still thinking of you lot far more than I had thought I would when I started this lark back in February. Not reading blogs as much as I'd like; when I do comment I often abandon halfway through, as I nearly did with this post. Too much wittering, no real content. Still using twitter (I am song_in_heart there, but to follow my updates I'll have to know who you are, I'm still trying to protect some anonymity) more than anything else but if it's not your thing, fair enough; you don't miss much, the time that I spend there isn't time that I could use to blog properly. I'll get back to content sometime this summer, I hope.

Miscellany again, and some links

Another tiring week full of long days. They do seem to keep coming and coming. Each day pours out its song to the next... and Sweetie tells me that I talked about kittens, last night, in my sleep.

One month from today I will be playing Big Final Recital Exam. I don't feel ready. This is fairly normal. I will keep practising, and it will be okay--or so I keep telling myself. I still have some coursework to do. After the exam I'll be moving house, and I have househunting to do. And the interminable medical appointments continue; this coming Wednesday is a bit of a doozy with the vampires sticking their suckers in for samples every 15-20 minutes for two and a half hours. Hopefully I'll be able to get some of my coursework done while they're at it.

So, I'm not likely to be posting much in the next month. I'm way behind on reading blogs, too, and responding to posts. Have a some links, instead.

I'm very pleased to have happened across this metrical psalmody resource. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet.

FranIam is posting a between-Ascension-and-Pentecost Novena, the first post in the series is here. I've not had time or the right words to respond as I'd like to. This promises to be worth reading, if you're into the prayer end of things.

It's also a period of prayer for Christian Unity in the southern hemisphere, but you don't have to be in the Southern Hemisphere or even a Christian to pray for Christian unity during this coming week.

This week at Academic Institution I've seen some people treated rather shabbily by the official machinations of academia; I'm hoping there is a way, within the official rules and regulations, to find some redress and restore a bit of balance. I've spent no small amount of time and energy attempting to do what I can to restore hope and confidence to one friend and colleague who has had the wind blown right out of her sails. Relatedly, Adrian Worsfold writes excellently about the problems of a culture of rules. I think that this relates to what Nick Baines wrote on media neutrality. Both are about a culture of accountability and responsibility which some would say seems to have evaporated in recent decades in the UK. I think we need more ways of building that back up than just voting; what do you think? What, to you, builds up community--online or in person? What fosters care and responsible action? And how can you, I, all of us or any of us, act in good faith to do this while protecting ourselves and those we love from the rotten, rule-bound, opportunistic policies of the punctilious paper-pushers who mistakenly think that if you can't quantify something, it has no quality? Serious questions, and I'm seriously interested in your answers. There's another post in here somewhere.

Speaking of community, and of building up: what is marriage, really? Tobias Stanislas Haller BSG writes well about Biblical definitions of the institution marriage. In the comments he writes: "Those who cloak bigotry in the language of faith are guilty of nothing short of blasphemy." I heartily agree. It's a harrowing time for the LGBT community in America, waiting for a decision in California, and I hope and pray it will end with joy.

It's been a harrowing and joyful time for others, too. I'd fast run out of space if I posted a link and description to every person or situation deserving of prayer, attention and concern or celebration this week. The usual prayer lists from MadPriest and Grandmère Mimi are a good start. But they're only really a small cross-section of one community I'm at the edges of; there are ever so many more, and everything is so interconnected... I find it difficult to keep track of all those I would like to pray for and frequently tack on a sort of catch-all, a sort of intercession for anyone I happen to have missed or simply didn't know about to begin with. Since I'm not omniscient I know that I'll never be able to pray for every specific situation separately, but I still feel sad if I find I've forgotten someone. I wonder how others keep track; I know that some people keep a written-down list on paper, or use various structures to remember to pray for people in certain categories of relationship (family, friends, wider community, government etc). What, if anything, works for you? And how do you decide what goes on your prayer radar?

Josephine's post on photography and prayer, and Doug's post on truth and art, seem to me to be connected somehow.

For today I am resting. So far this has meant lazing on Sweetie's sofa for the better part of a day. I am thinking a nap may be in order. If I'm feeling particularly energetic I might go for a walk. There is a party this evening I wish to attend if I am not too tired, but I mustn't stay out late as I'm teaching tomorrow as usual. I've had enough of staring at a screen for a little while, in any case.

Celebrations and Concerns

What a week it has been!

In some ways a bit of a rough week: it's just That Time of Degree, I'm afraid, there is a silly amount of paperwork to be done and I've been put into a performance project which is eating serious amounts of time in rehearsals that are, quite frankly, rather tedious at best. I've had a bit of a cold which always saps my energy and makes my chronic health problems more symptomatic; there's not a lot I can do about that but rest more, but see above re: scheduling. It's all rather overwhelming and discouraging if I think about more than one bit of it at once. And Sweetie is away this weekend, so I am at home by myself facing a very messy bedroom and wondering whether to use my 'rest' day to try to make it a little more livable.

It has been a very hard week for various friends of mine for reasons I'll not discuss here. They have been very much on my mind and in my prayers. At times this week I've also felt quite overwhelmed by the sheer amount of pain and hardship in the world. There's so much I can do so little about, and so much I should do something about but fail to do, and I don't quite know where to start. It's the typical save-the-world-before-breakfast problem.

The good, though, far outweighs the bad.

Monday's post basically wrote itself and I don't really feel like I can take much credit for it. But the positive response to it has been cheering me all week, partly because it's flattering to my ego to be told I've done something good but partly because I so desperately hope that the vision of the world I put forward in that post is actually true... having so many of you affirm the truth of what I wrote feeds that hope.

On Tuesday night I was gripped by a different sort of creative inspiration (or maybe it was the fever I had?) and got some composing done; I shouldn't really be working on non-degree stuff right now but this would not let me go to sleep until I wrote it down. It isn't finished, and won't be for a while, but I've been agonising over another composition project (for which I still have not found an appropriate text) and the reminder that yes, I can write music, was very welcome.

Wednesday night (after coming home early from my studies to drink soup and feel sorry for myself) I had a meeting with Sweetie and Future Housemate. Dreams and vague hopes are becoming plans: we have a budget, and a timeline, and a plan to find somewhere to live. This is very, very exciting for me: I've never lived in any house longer than three years, I've spent the last few years in various fairly transient housing, and putting down roots somewhere is looking very attractive. I will have a home, not just a place where I sleep and store my things. I've hoped this many, many times before, but I think this time it might work, because Future Housemate is looking for so many of the same things I am.

Sweetie has been unemployed for some months; last week he was offered a job but the contract did not turn up right away. Thursday he got the contract! Much relief all 'round: this lifts a load of worry from him and makes our future plans much easier. It means I will be able to take a long-term view of building up my paid employment to levels that will support me (and eventually others) well financially, instead of having to grab something short-term that actually hinders my ability to work on long-term plans. It means we can afford for me to take some rest after my degree, which will be much-needed and may lead to significant improvements in my physical health. It's just wonderful news.

Also on Thursday night was a rehearsal with Petite Violinist just for fun--no pressure, no deadlines to work toward, just reading through Handel and having a good time of it. What sheer joy! Of course by the end of the rehearsal we had a performance shoehorned into another concert, so the deadlines are back but they're manageable deadlines for both of us and it is always rewarding to play with Petite Violinist.

By Friday I was pretty wiped out by all of this and spent far too much time struggling with feeling rather miserable, but my last lesson of the day was just plain inspiring. And I realised that I do seem to be making some new friends, online and in person, and this was a great comfort despite feeling rather rotten for most of the day. And really--what day that includes Bach, Brahms and Tallis can be all that bad? Not to mention a bit of Ella Fitzgerald.

Today I am free to rest and that is what I will try to do. Tomorrow I get to teach, and weary as I am the thought still makes me smile. And I've managed to juggle my schedule so that I'll be able to get to Leafy Suburb Church for Evensong; it will be great to catch up with Deacon Friend and if the transport is good I might even sing in the choir again.

Little details

Was off to the vampires for some tests on Thursday. I have to have a longer test (about 2.5h) on 27th May and then they can decide on treatment options. This is a minor health issue but it is being investigated very thoroughly, for which I am grateful. Only I wish it didn't involve so many appointments.

The rest of the week was good, I got some good work done and spent some time with cherished friends. Yesterday I planted sunflowers, nasturtiums, calendula and some very pot-bound supermarket lavender and mint, as my act of May Day subversive gardening. If they survive (and I'll be walking past on my way to Academic Institution most mornings, so can water them if it gets dry) I'll probably take some pictures.

Sweetie is away this weekend, and I am missing our usual weekend routine of lazy but companionable mornings on the sofa. This afternoon I am going for a walk with a dear friend who lives in the area I am planning on moving to, which should help me feel a little less lonely. Then off to the pub for another friend's party. I love my friends so much. I can't really keep up with them all, and we don't see eye to eye on everything (many of them are atheist or agnostic, for a start), but every last one of them is fantastic.

While I'm in the area I'm going to move to, I'm going to have a look at churches. Nothing major--just find the actual buildings, jot down service times and names and maybe contact info if it's there. The only one in the area with a decent website is part of the Forward in Faith brigade and I just don't think I would feel comfortable in such an environment.

Yesterday was blogging against disablism day and I failed to post about it. I feel I've let the side down a little, as someone with various disabilities; mine are usually not immediately obvious which means I have more trouble with passing as 'normal' and being expected to cope in situations where I can't than I do with prejudice based on obvious disability.

Next week classes start again at Academic Institution. I'm feeling a lot less stressed than I was before Easter, and I've got rid of the worst of the exhaustion. But this is the end of a four-year course, there is a Big Exam at the end, I have moving house and visits from parental units to contend with in the summer ahead, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'll probably continue to feel overwhelmed until I've settled into a new routine, post-degree.

Internet access has been quite patchy again, but if I still have any left I might post about something serious tomorrow evening. There are ever so many serious topics floating around in my head. Love and fear and hope, and impatience and eternity and change, and words and music (always), and ritual and flexibility.